The Warden's List
by Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness
Summary: Sometimes, boys will be boys. This list is a prime example of that. NOTE: Not a crackfic, but full of crack nevertheless. WARNING: Zev/M!Cousland slash, bad jokes, puns, and inevitable toilet humor. Companion piece to "Of Whoresons and Nobles".
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**Disclaimer****: Bioware owns all. I earn nothing.**

_**WARNING**__**: This work is NSFS (Not Safe For Sanity).**_

_**There is a LOT of IQ-debuffing mindless bad taste in this story. I won't be held responsible for any loss of points in your intelligence stat as you read this. DO prepare a pail for the unfortunate event that your brain decides to leak out of ears in gibbering insanity. Also, be warned that there are (naturally) some references to 'doing the nasty'. And homosexual flirting.**_

_**LOTS of homosexual flirting.**_

_**Don't like, don't read. The usual warning about brain-bleach applies here.**_

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**Author's explaination of this odd, ODD bit of fanfiction**:

Why write this?

Because it's ridiculous. And funny. And I _do_ have the kind of sense of humor one would expect from growing up watching Monty Python skits. And I have a weak will. And an unstoppable urge to write things. And now I'm babbling. And I'll stop doing that.

Related to my other story, "_Of Whoresons and Nobles_". Specifically, that story's creatively-titled "_Chapter 19_" provided the inspiration for this.

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**_Scenario regarding this fanfiction__:_**

This 'list' was written on some of the many, many rolls of blank vellum the Warden and his companions find on their journeys, and then passed around camp between the Warden and Zevran, usually by 'reverse-pickpocketing' (also known as 'sneaking things into people's pockets without them noticing') during travels. The aim of this weird game between them was, once the vellum roll was found, to look at the list, then once the reader had picked up his arse off the ground after laughing it off, to add ONE additional phase to the list. The reader is also allowed to write comments about the already existing euphemisms. Then once the reader had finished adding his personally invented (or borrowed) phase, he has to pass it on.

Just to clarify:

_ **Bold** i_s the Warden's handwriting.

_Italics _are Zevran's.

Comments are written in square brackets beside the phrases that spawned them.

And so begins…

**

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~ **The Warden's Polite List of Funny, Disgusting, and Sometimes Outright WEIRD Euphemisms for Male Masturbation ~**

**

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**

**Arguing with Ser Longfellow**

_Skinning the knickerweasel_ **[Ew. –W] **

**Beating the naked templar **_[Why, my dear, having naughty thoughts about chantry-raised boys? – Z] _**[Oh, stuff it, Zevran. – W] **_[Gladly! Did you bring the oil? –Z] _**[What the? Maker's breath, that's not what I meant, you dirty-minded elf! –W]**_ [I did it only to please you, my dear. –Z] _**[Shut up. Moving on now. –W]**

_Stuffing the living sausage_

**Hold the sausage hostage **_[I think Alistair is guilty of this crime more often than is proper, no? –Z]_ **[Yes, he does have a big appetite, doesn't he? –W] **_[Appetite? Is that what they are calling it now? –Z]_** [Very funny. –W]**

_Milking the one-eyed cow _**[Cow, Zevran? Really? –W] **_[Wanted to write dragon, but I don't know if dragons have milk in the first place. –Z]_ **[Go ask Morrigan. I'm sure she'll know, since her mother turned into one, and you made it one-eyed before it died. –W] **_[That's a thought. Have you checked that dragon's corpse for breasts? –Z]_ **[What? Of course not! There's no reason to look for those! That's disgusting! -W] **_[Perhaps we should have, and then we'd have learnt something new that we could have sold to old doddering scholars, no? We'd make RICHES by proving that high dragons have breasts. –Z]_ **[Drop that damn idea, Zevran. I mean it. –W]**

**Box with your little man**

_Get the flagpole varnished_

**Polishing the old staff **_[Last I checked, you weren't that old. –Z] _**[I never wrote that I was referring to my own staff. –W] **_[Ouch. Low blow, my dear, __very__ low. –Z]_ **[You asked for it, and you'd probably enjoy it, kinky bastard. –W] **_[Of course, my dear. Was there any doubt? –Z]_

_Plucking your personal lute_

**Combing your short and curlies**

_Dating Lady Palm and her five daughters_

**Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters **_[Wait, Lady Palm had another daughter? –Z] _**[Maybe her daughters ARE her sisters. You haven't thought about that? –W] **_[That's a disturbing thought. Rather awesome, but disturbing. –Z]_

_Wrestling with the one-eyed dragon_

**Playing ball in your pants **_[Not very creative. –Z] _**[This IS the ****polite ****list. –W] **_[A list about masturbation is polite? –Z] _**[A list about ****ways**** to talk about masturbation in polite terms. –W] **_[Ah, my bad. –Z]_

_Humping your hose_

**Giving a one-man show **_[I'd pay a great deal of coin to see that. –Z] _**[Somehow I'm not surprised. –W]**

_Playing solo on the skin flute_

**Fiddling with the meat fiddle**

_Honking the fleshy horn _**[What's this, we have a THEME now? –W]**

**Strumming the manly mandolin **

===To Be Continued===

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_Author's note: Good Lord, my brain hurts so much now._


	2. Page 2

**Disclaimer****: Bioware owns all. I earn nothing.**

_**WARNING**__**: This work is NSFS (Not Safe For Sanity).**_

_**There is a LOT of IQ-debuffing mindless bad taste in this story. I won't be held responsible for any loss of points in your intelligence stat as you read this. DO prepare a pail for the unfortunate event that your brain decides to leak out of ears in gibbering insanity. Also, be warned that there are (naturally) some references to 'doing the nasty'. And homosexual flirting.**_

_**LOTS of homosexual flirting.**_

_**Don't like, don't read. The usual warning about brain-bleach applies here.**_

* * *

~ **The Warden's Polite List of Funny, Disgusting, and Sometimes Outright WEIRD Euphemisms for Male Masturbation ~**

* * *

_Wax the sausage_

**Basting the chicken **

_Roasting the Miracle Meat _

**Forcing white gravy out of raw meat** _[That's a disturbing image –Z] _

_Tenderizing the steak stick_ **[THAT is even more disturbing –W]**

**Roasting the nug** _[Nug? –Z] _**[Pink, wrinkly, hairless, and blind. Remind you of anything? –W]** _[You've been hanging around the dwarf too much. –Z]_ **[Says the man who gave Oghren the word 'purloined'. –W]** _[Point taken. –Z]_

_Buttering the corn_

**Tickle your pickle **_[You know, all these food references is making me hungry. –Z]_ **[Why, it seems like someone can't wait for their next meal! –W] **_[I'm a lot more patient than you think, my dear –Z] _**[We'll see. –W]**

_Squeeze your lemon _

**Jerk the gherkhin **

_Spit the seeds out of your cherries_

**Squeezing whites out of the eggs **

_Throwing out jelly with the candy stick _

**Pull the pudding **_[All right, I give up. Get in your tent. NOW. –Z]_

== To Be Continued ==

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Author's note: No prizes for guessing what happened after that last one.


End file.
